*hiccup* WHOO.

Dear Alcohol Tolerance,

Seriously? What the hell are you playing at? I realize I am a relatively small (ish) person who doesn’t drink a whole lot compared to most people. I’ve been working on that lately, but we’ll talk about that later. I’ve long understood that yes, I’m going to get tanked much faster on much less alcohol, especially if I drink it all before the waitress has time to even clear anyone’s plate or ask about dessert. Fine. That’s my own fault- I kind of even knew that at the time. I blame delicious martinis.

A minimal level of tanked is all I’m asking. Maybe an inability to walk properly along a straight line, a general sense of loving everyone in a ten foot radius, and some garbled ideas for random books that in a just and fair universe would never see the light of day. That’s all fine- I pretty much cover that in a normal day anyway. And to be fair, you did get that me that level of tanked. It was absolutely perfect for a bit. If I had been at a party or something, I would’ve been having a *time,* with drunken shenanigans aplenty. Hopefully wholesome, clean shenanigans, which wouldn’t at any point deteriorate into drunken-slutnanigans. Still, any shenanigans at all probably would’ve gotten me thrown out of the restaurant, and so I was curbed by a whole lot of willpower (which was a miracle in itself because how much willpower can a drunk person have, anyway?) and the fact that I was hanging out with a bunch of people who can keep up awesome conversations by themselves, letting me sit there in silence thinking about things like “I wonder what a daiquiri would be like if it were a person,” and whether or not a ninja could take out Spiderman.*

I did well- the two martinis I sucked down were great, and I was having a fantastic time just hanging out with my friends, who I feel I should mention were apparently not the slightest bit intoxicated. I also feel I should mention that I`m pretty sure we’d each ordered two drinks, if only to prove that I`m not just a mess who can`t be trusted in public. Minimal tanked-ness, yes?

And then you decided to go and be a bitch-cunt.   

Tripping up a set of stairs into a wall? Falling asleep an hour and a bit later like a frigging two year old going down for a nap?  That is not “minimally tanked.” That is “shitfaced,” and it is FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE. Especially after two drinks. ESPECIALLY ALL AT ONCE, WHEN I SHOULD BE EITHER STILL HAPPY-DRUNK OR SOBERING UP LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. And especially when I'd been purposely trying to drink only a small amount, like most people generally do when they're out "social-drinking" in public with their friends.

I`m not asking much. I don`t care if I`m the only one getting pathetically wasted off two drinks, which is my limit anyway. I can deal with that. I actually prefer it that way- it`s cheaper, quicker, it`s a built-in insurance policy against the funny looks ordering, say, about 4-6 drinks with a single meal, and it means I save enough money to be able to order actual good alcohol when I do drink. Seriously, don`t strain yourself.

But don`t get me `happy-drunk` off of two pansy-assed drinks and let me wallow in it for about half an hour in a false sense of security, and then defy logic and physiology by fucking me sideways and deciding that I get to skip straight to `passing out on the floor` drunk  and oh-by-the-way-here`s-your-hangover-8-hours-early. NOT COOL, ALCOHOL TOLERANCE. NOT COOL AT ALL.  

You always do this, too- any level of drunk at all makes me either tired or fucking plastered. You really need to work on this. If you`re going to make me look like a lush off of two pathetic drinks, keep it fun. Happy-drunk, not sleepy-drunk, m`kay? Also, it`d be nice if you butched up just a little so that I can pretend like stairs don`t make me want to cut things. It`s two drinks- please, for the sake of any lingering shred of dignity I might have left stuck to the bottom of one of my shoes, don`t pretend like I`m going to be fine and then hit me with the ridiculousness of passing out in the middle of doing a puzzle with some friends later, after everyone else has sobered completely up (having ingested the same amount of alcohol, mind) so that I look like even more like an asshole. Again, NOT COOL.

So please- for the sake of me ever wanting to drink any amount of alcohol at all in public ever again- just *try* to be less of a wuss. Please.

Thanks.

*I'm pretty sure a Spiderman would be able to use his "spider-sense" to figure out if there's a ninja nearby. The big advantage ninjas have is that they're stealthy as fuck and can either kill people from the closet they're hiding in, or can sneak up behind them and cut their heads off without even squeaking a floorboard, so I'm pretty sure Spiderman could use his super-powers to tell if they're there. At which point they'd have to rely on being able to Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon their way to victory via karate-punches and twitchy reflexes. And if Spiderman can take out other super-villains with super-powers of their own, I'm pretty sure he could take out a guy in black who can just fight really well. So I think Spiderman would win that one.