Not that I'm begging or anything...

I'm writing this on my boyfriend's laptop while he's sleeping. Originally I was going to look up a music video to show him, but since I have no idea who the artist is or what the video is called, or anything else that would help me find it, I ended up googling things like "singer in forest with a drum and she ends up in a mirror tent-raft in the middle of al lake somewhere+sounds like Feist," until I bored him unconscious.

Also, if anyone knows what that song is called, I will write a 1000 word essay on why you win at life, and I will send it to the editorial section of whichever newspaper is your favorite. Or I'll put it up on the internet somewhere, and that shit's eternal. In 500 years, people will still know how awesome you are. I am totally serious, because I fucking LOVE that music video.

AND sleep.

Huzzah for self-confidence!

*I wrote this when I was in Nottingham, and incredibly homesick. I was in a very antisocial and destructive period in my life, and I was so afraid of my friends finding out how very badly I was handling everything that I stopped talking to them completely. 

Anyway, after some intense self-pity, and the realization that no one really knew anything about me at all, I decided to write down a few things I knew were true about myself. 

I think I might have submitted this to a student zine, and I think it might have gotten published- I can't remember, but I miss the girl who put out that zine. The zine was called Artemis, and I think her name was Cathleen. I do remember she had blue hair, and was an amazing musician/singer. I definitely had a bit of a girl-crush, but she intimidated the hell out of me because she was so damn cool. An English singer/songwriter who dyed her hair blue and published her own student magazine? Who the hell was I?

I'm not gay, bisexual, or even bi-curious (I am, however, open to suggestions after the proper amount of alcohol), but I'd like to think I've gained enough self-confidence that if I met her again, I'd buy her a drink or two just for being fucking awesome.

And if she happens to read this, Cathleen, you probably have no idea who I am, but you're still one of my role models, and I wish I'd asked you more about Artemis and your music. I hope you've had a fucking awesome life so far, and that it just keeps getting better ;)*

***

The Things We Lie About

***

I’m not antisocial. People frighten me.

No, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I’m   terrified of money. I haven’t checked my bank statements for 5 months.

I wish I could start over again with my mum.

****

I finally learned how to stand up for myself two weeks ago.

If I had more confidence, I think I could make a really good Goth.

I think skinny jeans are the worst thing to happen to women since Hugh Hefner.

I feel incredibly shallow sometimes, and I can’t help it.

Yes, I am afraid of dying alone.

***

I envy people in relationships.

I’m afraid of commitment.

I think the only way changing room mirrors could be more depressing is if someone had written a list of your personal failures, your weight, and your student debt down the side before you stepped in front of it.

I’m afraid of being the least successful person at my high school reunion.

I hate it when people ask me if I’m okay, because I know they don’t want to hear I've just finished crying over something stupid, or that I really miss my parents.

I miss my parents.

I'd rather cut it off entirely, to be honest.

AND I'M BACK.

(insert clever comment here)

In other news, I mangled up my arm pretty good. And then again a few more times. And now I think my bones are infected. The orthopedic people at the hospital agree with me. 

God, narcotic drugs are fantastic. 

Oh yeah, fuck you, Karma. You goddamned axe-wound. 

I sometimes wonder how many orphans I'd have to save to not come back as a fucking Banana slug in my next life.