VENDING MACHINES ARE SPITEFUL, CRACK-DEALING MONEY-GRUBBERS, AND I HOPE THERE'S A SPECIAL HELL FOR THEM TO BURN IN.
I try to be healthy. I really do. I mow fruits and vegetables like a starving rabbit, I exercise regularly, I avoid overly processed foods and I drink maybe once a month, if that. I don't have an awful lot of bad habits, although I've cultivated a few to perfection. So with all that trying-to-be-healthy bullshit, I feel like when I need to do something minor and awful to my health, I'M FUCKING ENTITLED.
It's not like I'm talking about crystal meth. I'm pretty sure that's not a "once in a while it's okay" kind of thing. But seriously- once every once in a special while, when I'm about two seconds and three eye twitches away from having to be carted off by people in white coats, I feel like there are worse things than having a can of diet coke. I realize that probably makes me an awful kind of hypocrite, considering all the "no preservative-chemical-evil" crap I usually live by, but sometimes I really. don't. give. a. shit. At all. And I'm okay with that.
SO WHEN I WANT TO DRINK CHEMICALS OUT OF A CAN, IT IS NOTHING LESS THAN PROOF THERE IS NO GOD TO GIVE ME A VENDING MACHINE THAT WILL EAT THE ONLY QUARTERS I HAVE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING. And then beep mockingly at me. Until I leave. SAD AND POISON-FREE.
No god.
Which is why I ended up driving to the 24-hour pharmacy 20 minutes away like a crack-addled Pepsi-junkie and buying the shit out of some diet Dr. Pepper. Showed that quarter-stealing bitch. I got *two* bottles.
Now that my corner of the world is at peace, I can write the last of my essay.
... what?!
I second this. If I feel the need to have a chemical cocktail (aka Sugar-Free Rockstar) I'm going to have it.
ReplyDeleteI punch everyone in the face who most seriously points out: Those are bad for you, you know...
This is Kirsten, btw...but I was having trouble making this bitch of a comment box work...
Yep yep. Besides, I could always take up smoking- that'd be worse, right? So technically I'm making the smarter decision here. Next time someone points out how awful sugar-free Rockstar is for you, just say something like "OH, so you'd rather I get LUNG CANCER?! You're a terrible person, I want you to know that."
ReplyDelete